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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

Wow, I’m surprised I haven’t written so much in the last few months, because a lot has happened. We’re mid-deployment and I’m alone. I’m talking to a therapist and thinking I’m doing better, although tonight was a hard one. All the problems with husband don’t go away when he’s gone, they just sit on me while he gets to go places and do things and keep forgetting about me. Lately I go back and forth between missing him so much it aches and asking myself why I’m still married to him.

Maybe I’m just selfish and I stay because of what he can do for me, maybe the problem is me.

I know that’s not true, though. I do love him, if I didn’t I don’t think I’d do the things I do to make him happy. I think about him all the time. I stuff down and hide my feelings because he is like the archetype of a man who DOESN’T SEE HIS WIFE IS SUFFERING. He says I shouldn’t feel bad because he’s bad husband but then does NOTHING to change his being a bad husband. I’m left to feel like nothing and I, as someone who can’t ask for help or tell him I’m hurting, am alone to hurt. I just want him to treat me like I matter. I just have too many instances of him forgetting that I worry, forgetting that I exist. It’s usually when he’s with others. Am I so easy to forget?

So, tonight, after a few weeks of feeling pretty good I’m dealing with a lot of pain. I’ve felt like I was rejected by a woman this week, who I was trying to be friends with, and it hurts. Again, someone I don’t know very well but thought was nice has decided I’m not worth it. Again, I feel rejected and hurt. Again, I am alone. And then husband forgets about me. Or he remembers me and then forgets again, when something else comes up. And I’m mad at myself for feeling so bad. I’m just having another night of feeling like nothing. Maybe someday I’ll feel like a valuable, worthwhile person, but for now I guess I just need to stop blaming him or accept him as he is.

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