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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

I’m feeling better today but still not sure what I want to do. I feel distance out of sorts, words feel gross in my mouth.
I haven’t talked it him about what’s wrong and he hasn’t asked since I said no. I hate that, because I want him to ask I want him to ask me if we’re ok. I WANT him to seem like he cares. In my heart, I think he does care but I also think because I seem better, that all is well in our world. I can’t tell what he thinks is going on but I think he thinks it is all ok.
I hate when I’m like this, I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulative. I don’t know what to do because when I feel this way I don’t really want to talk about it with him. It frustrates me to no end because when I talk to him he just sits there looking at me, kind of like a fucking dog who’s being yelled at. When I ask how he feels or what he thinks he shrugs or says “I don’t know” and NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
I know that when I just bury it inside, nothing will change either, but it’s easier on me. It’s like a form of self preservation to hide my feelings and pull away from him when I’m hurting, because I don’t know if he knows how to understand what I’m feeling or doesn’t care. I think it would hurt worse to know that he doesn’t care enough to change.
I think I need to change me. I don’t know what to do, but perhaps the problem isn’t entirely him, maybe I need to find a way to give myself value. I’ve said this before, in other instances where I go so mad at him I cried talking to him. I might just be angry at myself and how I see my life that I project it onto him. I’m not really sure. I do know that seeing him sit in the living room for a fucking week doing nothing every day made me the maddest I’ve been at him in a while. It’s not his responsibility to do things when he’s home, it’s mine, and that’s clear.
He hasn’t been playing video games the last couple of days, or at least he hasn’t monopolized the living room playing them. I chose to interpret that as him noticing that I’m angry and trying to be different. It doesn’t matter at this point in my mood, I’ve been angry and made for too long for it to make a different. In a few days I’ll forgive him, possibly cry and we’ll talk about it. Well, not “we” but me, I’ll tell him I’m angry while trying not to hurt his feelings, downplaying my own in the process.
I can’t remember the last time we kissed. A few days ago, I think, when he hadn’t been home for a week straight. I shouldn’t begrudge him the time off, I get to stay home everyday.
I’m going to call tomorrow about seeing a therapist or a counselor and start talking about how angry I am. Because when I get like this, I’m angry at him and myself and think it’d be easier to just drift away. The level of suicidal thoughts vary, but thinking about how insignificant I am to the person I’ve chosen to spend my life… it hurts so much. It’s like how when someone in my family wants something from me, it’s the only time I hear from them. It hurts too much and I just want to disappear. It’s the cycle of my life, I’m never going to be a priority to anyone. I need a book on that, “How To Come To Terms With Your 3rd Place Status: Because No One Will Put You First Or Second.” Perhaps I should write that book.

 

Read GA #16 and Rat Queens #1 – #2. Still working on Americanah.

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