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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

I always wanted to go to a therapist when I was a kid. I loved the idea of talking to someone who has to listen. I never felt like anyone listened to me, I felt lost in the shuffle, never fitting in anywhere. I still feel like that, only now when I talk I try not to tell people anything of substance. They’re not listening anyway, they’re thinking of the next thing they want to say or something in their life. I’m like that too, so I can’t blame them too much.
I do hate when I go too deep, reveal too much. I hate telling people real things about me, even though sometimes I can’t help it. I get too personal when I’m angry at my husband. I try to be glib and laugh it off, but the pain and anger gets to me and I bad mouth him to people who don’t know how. I sometimes tear up or totally cry about it. I hate those times, I wish I can erase them and stop talking to people when that happens. I can picture myself scampering off, like a wild animal who got spooked, and hiding in the woods where they will never find me.
Right now I have a tab open on my laptop to call to find out how to talk to a therapist on Monday. I need someone to talk to. I have no one to talk to. I sat in a Target parking lot this evening, trying to figure out what to do with myself and how to keep from crying because I didn’t want to be home. I hate when I play games like this, I don’t want to be this person, but I didn’t want to be here. I wanted him to get scared, I wanted him to think I’m leaving and I want him to think about how valuable I am to him. I don’t know if it worked, other than the fact that he was putting away the dishes when I walked in the door. I think I was gone about an hour, so he started doing it when I pulled into the drive way. I sat in the car for a few minutes before I walked in, I’m almost certain he started when he heard me pull up. I want to ask but I’m afraid of the answer.
I don’t know what I’d tell people if I did have someone to talk to. I keep people at a distance anyway. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother whom I rarely talk to. I ask them how they are and reply with “same as I always am” if they ask the same. I don’t want to burden people with my shit. What can  I say to them? I don’t know what I want from my husband so I don’t know what I want to do. I hate him, I don’t even want to talk to him but I miss him so much right now it hurt to breathe. Is it because he’s all I’ve ever known or because I know without him  my life would be so hard and so empty? Or is it that I still love him, even if I hate him? Do I still love him?
I can’t tell people that. I can’t tell people who will see him, talk to him, and know that I’m hurting and I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to put that on someone else to feel. I can’t.
I wish my parents wouldn’t have had me. I’m sick of myself and who I am but I don’t know how to change. Maybe if I had had different parents I would, could have, been someone else. For a while last year I was writing these shitty fanfictions about being someone powerful, someone meaningful and someone who others wanted to be around in these worlds I read about. I’ve always done this, in my head, acting out scenarios where I’m someone else, but last year I started writing it. I had to stop, it was rather consuming and hurt to come back to reality. I don’t want this life but my life isn’t that bad, so what am I complaining about?
I have a good life, I have to keep telling myself that, because somewhere I forget. Again, I don’t know how to be happy or what I want. I think, perhaps, I will always be this way, ever unhappy and frustrated with my own existence. I think I’d be happy if I flew away.
I’m excited at the prospect that I can talk to someone, who might listen to me and give me advice on how to be happy with myself and my life. Can she, because it will be a woman or else I won’t be able to talk, suggest a good book on how to stop caring or being so in my head or just fucking settling? Is there such a self-help section at the book store?
The “Grow the Fuck Up: Adulthood Wasn’t Going To Be Perfect, So Get Over It” section?
“How to Accept That He’ll Never Be Quite Enough”
“He Doesn’t Hit You: The Lowest Of Bars That Proves He’s The One”
“It’s Ok If You’re Unhappy, No One Else Is Either”
“Get Over It, You’re Average At Best”

Now I keep entertaining the idea of going back to school again, which makes me laugh. I was here, 5 – 7 years ago, thinking that if I just go to school it will make me feel better. It will give me value and fulfillment in my life that I so need. It feels like I’m circling again. But that’s because my degree brought me shit. I should have picked something better, maybe business this time? Be a real person with a real job? Have value? No time to think? Still do everything around the house and hate my husband, resulting in me leaving him or killing myself? It’s always in the back of my head, has been since I was a kid. I don’t know if I can tell a therapist that.
I was always afraid of talking to a therapist but right now I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I hope by the time I make the appointment, I’ll still feel as confident. It’ll go back and forth.
I’m not ready to talk to husband yet. After I got home we had dinner and watched tv a bit. We talked, about shallow things like news and whatnot. He asked how I was earlier when I left the living room to write and cry in the bedroom. I said I didn’t want to talk about it. I always censor myself when I’m angry at him. I don’t want to be my mother and yell or say what I mean, because then it’s mean to him. I’m always very conscious of his feelings. I’ll probably just tell him “it’s the same thing that I’m always upset about.” And we leave it at that. Nothing will ever change and we will continue to be us.
I feel like someday I’ll have the courage to stand up and ask for what I want, but I think I need to figure out what it is that I want. I’m older now, I need to figure things out, right?


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