Skip to content

That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

Aaaannnnnddddd… we’re back! I’m home, so to speak. I can’t say that I’m really all that “at home” here in NC but it’s where I hang my hat these days. Sure… I hate it here but it’s still “home.”
And of course I haven’t updated this damn thing in the 3 days I’ve been here. It’s probably from the first night, I felt a lot like falling back into depression pretty much immediately. Hubs’ hair is long, overgrown, and out of regulation so he’s not into leaving the house. I had to go grocery shopping by myself the on Friday and it reminded just how alone I am out here. It’s weird, painful, and hard to admit that I’m alone and don’t know how to fucking figure out how to fix it.
I’m really crappy, overall, as a person… I think. I’m worse now than I ever have been, I think. I’m really stuck in my ways, very vocally liberal, and pushy about my opinions and not a lot  of people like that. I’m also very judgmental about other people’s opinions, especially when it’s less of an opinion and more of a “you’re a huge asshole” – a possible quote from me, although I might be paraphrasing it. Hell, I call people “my bigot friend” and it’s because I’m so crushingly lonely I keep people around me who are bigots. I can’t decide if that makes me a bad person or not.
It makes me laugh, though, that I concern myself so much with other people… it’s not like it’s entirely my choice to surround myself with people. I spend most of my time at home, being a boring person as I am but I also have a lot of projects here that keep me busy and occupied.
Actually, that’s another thing that has kinda brought back the feeling of depression in me. I look around my house, with all the fool-hearted projects I began, and see that I haven’t finished them and it makes me feel like a failure. I get overwhelmed seeing what I need to finish and think I’m a freakin’ garbage person who never gets anything done. I keep saying I need to make a list and work on each item of that list one at a time. It will keep me motivated… or that’s what I say. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll just keep being a fucking lazy ass. Dunno. I know that there is a clock on my projects, that we’ll be leaving this place soon and that alone gives me tons of anxiety.
I plan on getting shit done in this house while hubs is deployed but who know how long that will last? I kinda hate myself for how little I get completed. I have so much to do and I really need to get going on it. Perhaps I can look up motivation routines or something, to keep myself going. I also need to exercise more. I should put that on the list.
Stupid lists, they never go away.

Read some comics and more of Postcards from the Edge because I left it here while I traveled. Ate lots of garbage since we got home, but I bought some lettuce – I should watch it and eat it.


%d bloggers like this: