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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

Oh, poo… I’ve already failed my half-assed goal of writing every day. Alas, I haven’t really felt like writing. I don’t know what to write about, to be honest but I guess that’s not a surprise because I’m boring.
In the last few days a couple developments have come up. The day after we got here hubs’ co-worker messaged him and told him that he will indeed be deploying soon. At first I was super excited, because I would be able to visit him because it’s not a combat deployment. But that made me feel immediately depressed and guilty, especially because he may still have to recruit when he gets back. It’s so fucking awful and sad. He hated recruiting, as did I, and him having to go back to it is so upsetting. I’m also dealing with him leaving again. I’m full of guilt for all the anger and resentment that I’ve had towards him the last couple of months. I do love him, a lot, and to have him leave again fills me with fear and anxiety.
I don’t even know what to say with him leaving again. I feel like holding him close and panicking. I’m afraid to be alone again. Luckily I’ll have to come back out here in a couple months, when I can, because I need to finish my Wonder Woman tattoo.
Five freakin’ hours of tattooing and it’s not done. It’s looking amazing though and I’m really grateful to my artist for being awesome. Funny enough, for me the worst of the whole tattoo is that I’m dismayed because I should have tipped him more than I did. I hate that feeling, not tipping enough. I wish I was better at tipping but my first inclination is to be cheap and try to do the math quickly in my head but I’m also kinda bad at math.
*sigh* I hate being cheap. So, in true me fashion, I laid in bed, on my stomach, thinking about how I’m a shitty person for tipping less than I think I should have. I didn’t tip less than 15% but I should have done A LOT more. I fully intend to compensate when I get back with a larger tip but I don’t know if it will matter. I feel so guilty and he was really good to me with the tattoo and being really talented.
Do other people do this? Do they agonize over stuff like that? I feel like a crap person because it was a lot tattoo and he undercharged me and I should have tipped generously. I did this with my hair too! When I got it cut and didn’t do the math quick enough and tipped less than I’m normally into. Agh! I hate feeling like this. I wonder how many times I’ll be cheap and feel bad after before I stop being a cheap-shit.
Fun story, because the tattoo is located on my back, I wasn’t able to wash it myself so I had the husband do it. So, even though I was fine all the way through the tattoo, the cleaning took me out. Standing there, while the husband was washing off my tattoo, my hearing started to crackle and sound muffled, my vision tunneled, and my stomach dropped- I was beginning to pass out. I’m not unfamiliar with the signs of passing out, unfortunately as I’ve either passed out or felt the early symptoms of it a few times in the last few years, so I knew it when I experienced it. I felt myself “going down” and told the husband as much, who stepped out of the way, as I slowly lowered to my knees, then my hands, then my butt and eventually to my stomach because the tile felt cold against my face. 0/10, I would not recommend laying on an unfamiliar bathroom floor.
A half a glass of water and an orange later, I was able to get up and lay on the bed while he finished cleaning it and the applying the ointment. I nearly passed out again last night when my shirt attached itself to the tattoo, freakin’ plastic wrap moved while I was shifting in my sleep, and I pulled the shirt off the spot and it hurt so much I got dizzy. Today was a ton better and I hope it heals well… as I have a plane ride to look forward to on Thursday.
Not a lot of action going on in my life, just spending time with the family and hanging out. I feel like I should be active and doing stuff, which is just who I am. I always feel like I need to be working and moving or doing something. Even just sitting and watching TV makes me anxious.

Today I ate trash. Read nothing.


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