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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

It ‘s been a long fucking day and I’m tired, so very tired. I hate traveling, the sitting, the people, the feeling trapped. It just takes so much out of me and it’s so much worse considering that we woke up at 1:40am to get to the airport at 5 something. I haven’t napped but I have ingested copious amounts of caffeine to keep on my feet by as it’s 10 pm, I’m hurting.
It’s always weird returning home. I don’t hate being here, per-say, but I do prefer being in my own space. I like being home, being safe, and being comfortable.  And something strange has happened since the last time I was here. My sister’s divorce, the pain she’s been through, as brought my family closer and it’s sorta left me out. It’s weird to watch. It’s weird to feel so distant, to hear the way they talk to each other and see how close it is, as a family should be but never the family we’ve ever been. Now I feel like I’m the bad one, the broken one… the perpetually left-out one. It’s doing nothing for the lingering effects of depression for me.
The worst, maybe outside of the knee pain on the plane, was sitting in the car listening to my mother, sister, and sister-in-law discuss and joke about sex. I’m not capable of that, sex is a shameful thing for me. I’m broken, more broken than I have been in a long time, and listening to these other women talk it made me feel even worse. I couldn’t participate and I wouldn’t tell them the truth, because I’m wrong and not normal. In the moment it was painful and alienating. In day of getting only 2 hours of sleep, a uncomfortable plane ride, and 10 degree weather, this was the worst of it.
I feel like I’m ever at the mercy of my feelings/ emotions/ and hormones concerning my sexual desires… when I even have them. I know that there is no “normal” when it comes to frequency but this isn’t what I want and I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know what to do to be able to. I just feel so broken and afraid. Afraid I’ll never been normal or always feel abnormal. That I will feel like I’m not doing something that nearly the whole rest of the wold has done.
I fear tonight’s post won’t be very long. I don’t have much to talk about, the day was mostly comprised of traveling and feeling awkward. I now just want to sleep and pretend I’m someone I’m not.

Today I finished WicDiv vol 4, Black Canary vol 1, Green Arrow #13 and Green Arrow #14. I had too much pizza, coffee, a couple breakfast sammys, and a chicken sandwich.


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