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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

Today felt better. It really did. I worked hard to be working hard. Got up at a decent time, got the blog updated, did some social media work, and sent out the newsletter that I forgot to do last week. I feel like I’m always failing at my blog/ crocheting and all that. I just don’t know what to do to be better, where to go. But I guess I’ll still keep plugging away.

After getting next week’s pattern photographed, written, and the blog updated so I can do it from my mom’s house, I tried to work on the kitchen counters. It turns out that the great idea that I had, no not the one to do the counters in the first place, the one about putting coconut oil on the counters to make them all the same color – well that might be the reason that the poly isn’t adhering. I was literally flaking it off in chunks with the sander. It was devastating, to see all that hard work and money just flake off… again. I feel like such a failure, a complete fuck up, for even deciding to do this shitty project. The cabinets still look like shit. Hell, 2 of the doors have been sitting on the floor in the living room since I realized I couldn’t just wipe off the excess easily. Now I have to sand those too so I can clean them up before covering them in poly also.
I hope that works.
I’m just guessing with all this shit, because every time I search the internet I feel like I get more fucking info but it’s different and that’s not helpful at all.

I’m so tired of it all. I feel like I can do anything wrong. After discovering that I will, indeed, be doing the counters all over again, including sanding the whole fucking kitchen down, I just stood in the kitchen and cried. Husband stood there, asking if he could help, and looking at me. He didn’t offer reassurance or anything. Didn’t correct me when I said I’m a fuck up. I don’t know what that’s about and it didn’t sit well with me but I didn’t necessarily say it to hear him tell me I’m not. Or did I? I’m not sure. I know I need the validation from him that I don’t suck at everything but then, also, I don’t know. I never fucking know.

So I said fuck it, took a shower (after cleaning the bathroom a little bit because I felt in capable of doing the simplest of tasks and it made me feel better while finally getting someone to clean the bathroom). I cried in the shower like a fuck sitcom mom.
I’m ok now. I drank 4 beers, had some shitty pizza and read more. I’m ready to get home from Utah already.

One of the reasons that I WAS having a good day is that the new dress arrived, it fits well and looks good, and that made me feel good. I hate that my physical has such a huge role in me feeling good but it is. I does amaze me that my appearance means so much to me and I eat like garbage and rarely exercise. I guess it’s not just as important to me. I don’t know.
I posted a photo of myself, in the dress, on social media. It wasn’t for validation from other people, which I got and it was sure nice, but it was for shoe selection. It’s weird that I’m so hung up on the shoes to accompany this dress. I’m also worried about my hair. I, honestly, don’t know if I like it this color. I think I’ll dye it darker when we get back. Maybe only half of it, though, as I don’t want to waste all the time I put into bleaching it.
Not that it wasn’t a waste of time anyway.

Husband and I talked more today. It wasn’t all that great but it felt better than we’ve been in days. I don’t know what to say to him and he hasn’t asked. I assume he knows I’m sad and just doesn’t want to ask or doesn’t care to ask.

I don’t know. My skin is dry and I need to apply copious amounts of lotion and go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long and short day. Thursday is probably going to really fucking suck. Early 3 hour drive to Raleigh and then off to Utah. I think I’m in a middle seat… oh joy.

Read more Postcards From the Edge and ate pizza, grapefruit, instant oatmeal, and the other half of the bag of potato chips I bought yesterday. I’m sickened by myself. Also 4 beers worth of calories.


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