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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

This is a follow up post to my on-going series, “Indecision: School”. Only in this installment, I’m on the precipice of education and I’m not sure if I’m ready for the leap.

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Well, shit I haven’t been here in a while. That’s sad but true. I haven’t had much to say and I doubt anyone reads it any way.

This is more for my own piece of mind anyway. Right now I’m writing/typing because my mind is full and I can’t express it to anyone in person.  I don’t want to over burden the husband and I can’t talk to the parents about it because I’ve decided to not tell them. This, as always it seems, is about school. Only now, surprisingly enough, I’ve applied and got into a college. Whoopie? Or maybe not. I got in, which wasn’t hard if you ask me, and now I’m going through the process of applying for financial aid and looking for classes. I don’t know if I’ll get financial aid, mostly because my husband makes too much money for us to get any assistance. I do understand that aid is there for people that are very much in need, but I hate how much college costs and wish there was help somewhere. I don’t want to go into debt because I’m fulfilling a personal quest. Not to mention, what if I don’t make any money at then end of this tunnel? Eh, what then? The husband will pay for this degree. Doesn’t that feel adult.

And on top of the amount I’ll (read husband) be paying for this degree I’m not even sure this is a good college. It’s apart of the SUNY system here in New York State (obviously) and seems legit but it’s very liberal and self paced and that scares me because. It’s unconventional approach to learning appeals to me but what if later on I take my degree, AA or BA, to another college and try to further my education only to find that it doesn’t mean much? Sack of beans kind of much. I guess I’ll have to ask myself what is more important, getting the degree or what the future holds. That’s a question that I haven’t been able to answer for a very long time. How very frustrating that I finally get the fucking ball rolling only to find a rock in the road and I feel like I’m veering off course again.

Why does college cost so much? Is it really as important as people think it is? It will cost you an arm and a leg and only provide you security of a stick, in some cases that is. I know of people who got a degree, got a job and are living happy lives in their field of study. On the flip-side, however, I currently work with a girl who has a degree, in something (blah, blah, blah…) I haven’t asked, but she’s doing the job that I turned down. What kind of inspiration for going back to school is that? Husband should be going to school, not me. In his job, military, schooling can really help you with promotions ($).

But the motivation for self-improvement lies within me, right? I’m supposed to know what I want and go after it. Shit, I’ll be getting an AA in general studies, is that “knowing” enough for y’all? By “y’all” I mean all the pushers out there, the people who are giving me the external pressure to go to school (read: parents). And the pressure they provide isn’t as much pressure as it’s nagging. It’s not the convention nagging/pressure that some kids get. It’s the feeling of letting them down, it’s the back-handed way my mother makes me feel about not living up to my potential, it’s the fact that my little sister is in college (dad’s side) and it’s the shit that’s built up in my head.

Yeah, I’m well aware that I build up some of the “pressure” asserted by my parents because I love the drama of it all.

Fuck, I wanted to write more but I’m tired. I stayed up late last night watching “Grey’s Anatomy” on Netflix and making Peach Lemon Bread. *yawn*

If someone should wander past this post, feel free to say a thing or two on what you think I should do.

Toodles.

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