December 12, 2010 Long time…
I have no good reason for not posting, probably something about being busy and some shit.
I’m not busy, I’m lazy.
I’m trying to fix the latter.
School, I’m talking about going back to school… again.
Or still as it were. It’s always at the back of my mind, the desire to go back to school. I really need to, but why? Will it really get me everywhere I need to go in life? Or is it just another way to feel less like a failure? I do, I feel like a failure.
I’m also so lazy I can’t even begin to describe and when I think about going back to school I’m filled with dread and fear. I actually want to cry and hide under mass amounts of blankets and never come out, that’s what school makes me feel like. I know I should do it though, because that’s what is expected of me. I just don’t know what to study or what I want to be “when I grow up”.
I’m near many colleges now, have been for years and I haven’t motivated myself to do this one bit. It’s too hard, I tell me… and dammit if I don’t always listen and back down. I really can’t do that any more. I’m fucking 24 now, I need to get a fucking clue or a disease that I can use as an excuse for a few more years. I have Facebook friends that are graduating now, how lame does that make me feel? The answer is very, very lame indeed. I have always used other people as a ruler to measure my own happiness/success. I’m pathetically shallow, I’m also realistic.
I bitch, there for no one listens anymore.
I want to get out of retail, will college help me with that? Dammit, Google help me! Answer me, fucker.
I never thought I would be wrestling with these thoughts this far into my twenties. I thought I’d have it all together and know something by now, but fuck I don’t. I don’t know what the hell to do! If I wouldn’t have taken the time off, I could/would be done now… but I took too much time. I’ve grown lazy. One of my biggest fears in life is to feel like a failure, and I am.
That's Not Important, now. 
Permalink #
evan jed
said
Fuck thinking that school will “get you everywhere you need to go in life.” Fuck “what’s expected” of you. Fuck “feeling like less of a failure.”
You’re so unhappy with your situation because you’re not doing anything. Going back to school would mean you’d be doing something. End of story. You’d be productive. You’d have something else to fill your daily thoughts with other than something like “what the hell is wrong with me?”
We’re the same age, and I am one of the younger people in my program. There are some people that are like 19 or 20, but most people are older than. The median age in my department is probably like 28.
Just fucking do it. You have plenty of time to get things in motion for fall semester. You could even do summer semester.
Be happy. Be productive.
Good luck.