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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

But sleep doesn’t come.

Do you know that time right between sleep and consciousness? Where things are all blurry, you’re aching to get back to sleep but sometimes that doesn’t work and your mind travels to far away craziness. Well, today when I was trying to get my nap on, my brain was hazy and my eyes were closed, I had a weird flash back to an embarrassing moment from my childhood. As a very uptight person I this isn’t unusual but they usually have something to do with what happened that day or something I was thinking of, today wasn’t like that.
I can’t remember what age I was, young though probably single digits, but that’s not really important. We, my family, were at my step-dad’s friend’s house and my parents were in the living room with their friends and I was in the host’s kitchen eating and drinking. I don’t remember how it came about, I believe it was an accident that might not have been completely my fault but I spilled the drink I was pouring all over the floor. It was rootbeer, “Barq’s has bite”, and they had white tile in the kitchen. I have always been uptight, I believe that is a side effect of my mother raising me, so immediately after it spilled the tears began to fall too. My brother was there and as any good little brother does, he laughed at me but didn’t tell, surprisingly enough. I remember searching and searching for a towel or paper towels, shit anything, to clean the mess up but I was at a loss.
I did, however, have on a blue jacket that used to belong to my step-dad. The jacket was too large for me, old, faded and down right ugly and not at all flattering, but that’s why I loved it. What can I say? It was the 90’s and we were all dressing pretty ugly, grunge and what not. So, that jacket that I loved ended up being my towel as I bawled and cleaning the soda pop off the floor. This is the point where my hazy brain dropped me when I was trying to nap today. No sleep was found, because not only did I remember the image of me on my hands and knees on the floor trying to clean up rootbeer with my jacket, crying mind you, I remembered the feeling of terror that my parents would walk in and see the mess I made.
I was anxious and a little bit crazy as a child, but when we left the house, my parents expected their misbehaving children to all the sudden turn into angels, cliche I know. I know the yelling that would have came had my parents saw that mess, the screams I would get from my mother and the shame I would feel for once again letting them down.
For some reason I can’t remember what happened after that. I think that my brother told them later that night, after we left, but I can’t be sure. I do remember holding my jacket inside out for the rest of the night and being mindful of sitting on things because I got soda on my jeans too. I would never return to my childhood, I was way too uptight for a child, the world was too tough.
Yes, yes my mother did find out. Now I remember! If memory serves, and sometimes it does, she laughed at me for being afraid to tell her. I wasn’t just afraid, I was hiding in a closet to escape a serial killer terrified and it wasn’t all that funny.


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