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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

I feel very emotional and every so slightly sad right now. When I get like this it brings on feeling of life, of how I am and how I see myself. I always feel like I’m in a pool and treading water but not really moving anywhere (static existence, as it were).

Professionally I’m not happy, my job is fine but it’s way too far away to be driving for what I do/make. I know for a fact that I’m not cut out for retail, it’s got a cold unfeeling aspect that kills me slowly everyday. I’m sick of seeing people as bottom lines and getting mad at someone because they’re “just looking” and because they’re “just looking” is skewing my numbers.  I’m also very selfish in regards to a job, I hate working. The older I get the more I don’t want to work, and really for no good reason. I haven’t put in a lot of time or hard work, let me be honest here for a minute.

I’ve been working since I was 17, got two jobs after my Junior year in HS and kept those for a few months until one of the places closed down. That was food service, I worked at the other one (a large burger chain that I don’t eat at regularly any more) for a while longer until I was offered a bs management position. I took the management position, where I didn’t receive my raise in a timely manner, worked there for a while still making what I did as regular burger flipper, actually I worked the drive through. I quit that job when it started to become too hard for me, the stress was building to the point that I would get sick and couldn’t take it any more and it was way too much for a 18 year old girl to take. I moved on to retail and found myself much happier in the beginning. As my time with a certain company has increased, over 5 years now, I find myself more dissatisfied with the job and on many occasions I have considered quitting but I haven’t because I haven’t got a lot else going on in my life and I need a job to keep me busy thus sane. When I moved recently, a big move too, I was offered a management position and even though a big part of me said “don’t do it, you won’t like it” I went for it any way. I was thinking that I could back out at any time and that it wouldn’t be a big deal and the money would be good. I also liked that I would be busy and wouldn’t be as lonely when the husband was working long hours, like he is today. It all started out lovely and what not, not a bad place to work as things go but it’s so far away.

Driving, I’ve always hated driving. I’m very timid by nature, most people would be surprised to learn that about me but it doesn’t make it not true. I hate spending useless amounts of my life in a car driving to a job that I don’t like all that much. I feel like I’m wasting so much time that could be better spent reading, drawing, findings new hobbies or (gasp) getting myself a real job. Also, I hate people so very much. People drive like they walk, where ever the hell they want to. I feel like I’m going to die in a car accident one of these days… actually I have had dreams that I have a very watery death and I’ve been convinced since I was a kid that I’ll die in a big body of water. The place that I moved to is what I’d call, “lake land” there are shit loads of lakes around here and just increased my hesitancy to drive, because all it takes is one idiot to make my watery nightmares come true.

So, there it is! My biggest problem with my job is that I have to drive 45 minutes to get to it and then another 45 to get home and that’s if there isn’t traffic to contend with. I dream about the driving, it’s freaking me out and that is always a sigh to me that I’m not dealing with it well.

I have talked this issue to death with my parents and my husband and I haven’t figured anything out. I hate putting this on them because they’ve all held down jobs for a while, some really shitty, and I can’t. I feel like a failure in a way. I also feel flaky and unreliable. I agreed to take this job and now here I am, month and a half later saying “I want out, now”. I will never take a management position again, this is not me, I’m not capable of responsibility like this.

So, that’s my problem right now. That’s my life. I feel lucky that, that is the worst thing that is happening to me right now. I wouldn’t trade with anyone in a minute. I’m anxious about telling my boss that I want to leave and that she’ll be without another manager again, for the 3 time in as many months, but I can/will do it. I’m going to make it to the end of the month and then I’m done. Back to working once a week and good at my job.

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