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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

This is the point in the conversation where you walk in and have no idea what’s going on and find it awkward to continue listening, but you do any way. When someone is having this conversation with them self, it’s all the more awkward for you.

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With the help of my Google homepage, Wiki How of the day mocks me. “8 steps to communicate better in a relationship” it says. Oh the communication isn’t really the problem, the problem is that I don’t/can’t talk. Well, screw you Wiki How of the Day.

I just don’t feel like myself. I’m feeling a bit shattered inside and little pieces of the person I thought I was are slipping out. I’m implementing the leave it alone and it will go away method, the one that usually doesn’t work. I just don’t want to face it right now, what ever it may be. I’m stressed, I’m sure that’s most of it but I just don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it any more than I want the husband to hear about it. He’s got his own problems, he doesn’t need mine. I would prefer to fade away a little bit before I talk about the fact that I’m falling apart inside. I think that as long as I keep moving forward, pretending that I’m fine then I will be fine.

Another reason I don’t want to talk? I’m just this side of crazy but I think that I’ll be ok if I can just have time to adjust and realize that this is my life for the next three years and all will be ok. Whine, whine, whine…bitch, bitch, bitch and sad feelings. It’s me just floating in a goo that’s keeping me suspended above the water, but just barely so that when I do something I tilt and feel like I’m going to go under- I don’t, well not  for very long if I do.

I’m existing but not living, when does this living thing happen? Is there a point that you stop and someone tells you that you’re living? I’m ok with how I’m moving about in this life but why does everything broadcast in high definition tell me that I’m not living yet?

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