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That's Not Important, now.

oh, moment is over.

It’s silly how some things set you off and then you feel like you’re falling. It’s nothing, really it’s not but it just sets off a bomb inside your brain and the explosion keeps going.

I began my eruption over a half an hour ago and I can’t hold it together. My throat hurts from screaming, the very uncomfortable type of screaming you do when you’re too upset to scream in your normal vocal range. My face hurts from wiping tissue to and fro. My eyes burn, because I was wearing make up when this began and now most of my mascara has dribbled into my eyes, not to mention rubbing at the delicate eye area does nothing for puffiness.

It was nothing but it unlocked everything I’ve been keeping together for the last month. I’m frustrated as hell with my husband’s job ,my job and my own self worth.  My chest is convulsing and I can’t breathe. It’s all over nothing, nothing at all.

I wish I could still scream. I wish I could hit something until this monster, this being that was controlling me, was gone.

Some days it would just be easier to disappear.

Edit: This lovely feeling lasted for hours. Choking on brownies, I was having the convulsions that the body goes through when you cry really hard but I continued to stuff my face with comfort food, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I never hated my body more, no that’s a lie. I just sat there and tried to think of why I was here, again. I reach this point every so often and can’t remember what happened. It’s like I forget where I am and I wake up choking on brownies. I went for a run, I cleared my mind and I stopped crying. I still feel like a failure, but I think I will work past it. At least, for now I will try to be functioning.

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